October has lasted about a year this time around, the weight of which has been compounded by the fact that I feel like I'm the only person in the world who didn't dress up for Halloween. Just wondering: is anxiety considered "debilitating" when you won't dress up in a Halloween costume because you're too nervous to explain your costume to a taxi driver, because you'll need to take a taxi anywhere you might go to show that costume off? Haha just wondering.
Okay so instead, I want to talk about what happened the year I was born. And by that I mean Jeff Goldblum turned into a fly. HOW on EARTH have I NEVER seen The Fly before?? Is this the best movie to come out in 1986? I also have the following questions after enjoying this masterpiece thoroughly: How come Geena Davis is a smoker in this movie and uses the world's largest ashtray? How come she secretly records Jeff Goldblum pre-fly and uses his HIGHLY CLASSIFIED ideas without his consent and in return he takes her out for a cheeseburger? How come she jumps on his dick immediately? How come Jeff Goldblum was technically half human when he did an oopsie and turned into a bug, but he seemed to be incapable of doing anything human anymore and looked like a full on fly, huh? How come he was so horny? How come Geena Davis couldn't get enough of his dick? How come Jeff Goldblum puked on Geena Davis' boss' hand and leg only? How come Jeff Goldblum ended up marrying an ugly gymnast in real life when he could literally have any woman he wants? The guy turned into a FLY. Jesus Jeff.
Apart from that, I spent the first part of October in Canada, where we went on lots of very wholesome hikes, and drank McDonalds double doubles til I nearly puked (see receipts below), and admired my mom's cat's lazy eye, and went apple picking...and then I landed in Dublin and walked into a Bath and Body Works (!!!) which turned out to be The Upside Down because they only have really bizarre scents like "Wood" and "Gingham" - can someone tell me what is going on? Are they not allowed to have normal human scents in the European shops? "Find Your Gingham" ?? Everything ok there bud?
.jpg)
We also went to a friend's housewarming party in October. They built a beautiful house and filled it with beautiful fixtures and details, and some of the guests included small children who continuously pushed me as they walked by despite there being plenty of space for them to walk around. This made me wonder: are small children idiots? I didn't see them walking into tables, and they sure as shit walked cautiously around pointy chairs, so what was it about me that said "You do you, I don't deserve your respect"? It was really nice to go home afterwards and enjoy not having to wipe anyone's butt (haha I WISH! amirite married ladies?)
Back to wholesome thoughts: October was also when Jeff threw me a little belated birthday, and took me to a really fancy restaurant for an afternoon of jazz, which turned out to be bossa nova. I mentioned to Jeff that the lady singing the bossa nova looked very sad and we both laughed at her right when she was looking at us, so she instantly perked up but continued to give me dirty looks as she sang the bossa nova so we had to take it very seriously from then on, which was kinda hard. Big Mike's also had extremely sexy ring light mirrors and steaks that looked just out of this world.
We also had our own little Thanksgiving dinner, and I baked Jeff his annual pumpkin roll, pretending that he didn't nearly put a gun to my head demanding I bake it, and we decorated the house with little autumn things, and then I met up with some girls for brunch at the ALT bar at the Wren hotel. It was bottomless mimosas so I blacked out and had about seven or eight, but later noticed everyone else had three at most. Why is that? And why is it that I ate one of each buffet dessert while everyone else split a cookie four ways? And when one of the girls said she just turned thirty and bought a house, why did I say "haha, when I was thirty I was still a SLUT!" ? And why did no one laugh?
And why didn't I dress up for Halloween this year?
No comments