But before this gets grim, one really positive thing I'll say about this month is we had a solid 10 days (maybe more?) of hot weather!!! It went up to 28 degrees one day, and it was so nice to wear real summer clothes (what I managed to find in Jeff's parents' attic of the clothes I didn't bring back to Canada lol) Part of the novelty of hot weather was making the kind of breakfasts that cool you off, so, after being completely taken aback by the smoothie bowls at the Juice Bar in Belfast, I made my own! Berry smoothie with a bit of granola on top, followed by smooth peanut butter, almonds, chia seeds, bananas, strawberries and blueberries. I always thought eating a smoothie with a spoon was for idiots, but here I am now, totally converted.This month, my Something Creative was to finish my ugly painting, but my arms and shoulders hurt so much, I just couldn't get around to holding a paintbrush. I mostly tried to stand/walk around the apartment as much as I could, so I couldn't make myself sit long enough to focus on that piece of shit I'm working on.(Dear Self: I'm sorry for insulting your efforts, you're doing a great job, it's really not that bad, this has nothing to do with you, okay it does a little) |
| This is just Jeff with a massive watermelon |
Something Productive:
I wanted to clean out our junk drawer, and while I didn't manage to clean the whole thing out, I organized the horrible stack of documents that typically sat in a pile, catching on to the sliding drawer every time we tried to open or close it. The rest of the drawer will have to be an August/September/October/November/Never thing (ha-ha). I don't know how to sound more motivated, but when your body is in a state of pain night and day, you just struggle to care about decluttering.
Fitness:
This was another tough one, because on top of injuring my shoulders I also injured my hip/glutes, so I was told not to run, then I was told to run, then I was told to swim, then I was told to stretch, then I was told to strengthen, so I guess overall, my goal was to just keep moving, and I really did. One of the better aspects of this has been listening to a great new audiobook "Not A Life Coach" by James Smith. I really love his idea that our true wealth is measured by how much time we have to ourselves, and how we are able to spend it. I think I've always felt very protective of my personal time, and of how much time off/time to myself I could get, and this just validated that for me, and made me feel not so guilty about it. If we don't have our life to ourselves, what else possibly matters? Why value money above that? Anyway, moving on..
Something New:
I have wanted to swim in the ocean since coming to Dublin six years ago...and it has always been SO cold, I've just never been brave enough to go for it. Well, on a hot day in July, we went to Howth...and ran into the ice cold water! I have to say I've never experienced anything quite as freezing in my life, and Jeff didn't feel great afterwards either, but it was so amazing to do it. I've always felt like the water in Ireland was a limitation for me, like I could always go near it, but never touch it. When I swam out, it felt like I was finally a part of the entire landscape. The depth of coldness made my limbs go numb and I felt my ribcage tighten, but the moment we were out and under the sun again, we wanted to go back. I thought I'd just run in the one time, but we ended up running in twice.
My other Something New was to try meditating this month, so I downloaded the Headspace app and have done a few de-stressing meditations. I really like it so far, but I have a very long way to go before the buzzing thoughts calm down.
Learning Something:
I've been thinking about what it was that I had set as my goal for the month, but I don't quite have anything to rival what I ended up learning about myself, following a session with a Moldovan pain management doctor. I've been thinking about whether or not to include this in my blog because of the deeply painful scar it left on me, and ultimately I think that this year has been about documenting the most salient experiences of each month, so it would be a waste not to include this. However, to minimize the potential to re-traumatize myself while re-reading this, I'm just going to lightly touch on the experience, focusing on the positive aspects. Let's see, how to make this blend into the rest of this writing so that I'm not scared to read this section later, and also as I write this now my guts are so tight from having to think about it. Okay, so I went to see this guy, and his technique was to apply an amount of force I'd never experienced before, whether with his elbow or fist, slamming my nerve blockages to 'de-knot' them. I lay down on my stomach, and he smashed the most painful parts of my injury repeatedly, and with each blow, I felt my spinal cord and my skull shake, I felt the pain on such a level that my teeth smashed against each other and everything would go black for a split second. He then bent my arms back with a similar force, and then, eventually he twisted my neck with a similar, shocking, painful force. Of course, on a logical level, he was helping me. He was doing what he knew was best to decrease the tension, to break apart the blockage, to release the tension. But for me, having been in this pain for two years, having held on to the stress and anxiety of something hurting every day and every night, it broke open a flood of emotional pain. That, coupled with the physical pain of it, made me cry, and cry, and cry. It wasn't quiet crying either, it was nearly screaming and pleading with him to stop. He was kind in that he would tell me to breathe and relax, and when he would see that I was truly unable to breathe anymore, he would give me a minute break. But he was unkind in his assumption that I was crying because I'm hormonal. That, for me, was incredibly triggering and painful. He grabbed my stomach a few times, asking me how I let myself get to that point, suggested that I eat one meal a day, that I swim, and that I deal with the stress that his therapy was evoking. He then made me lie on my back, and pressed into my neck until I passed out. In that moment, I saw a school bus, and everyone on the school bus was screaming at me. This made my body go into a panic attack, and when I gasped from the fright of the moment, I felt my fist softly hit my chest over and over again. He said that was normal, and that it was just another way to show how stressed out I was. I'm grateful to him for being honest with me, for his best attempt at making me feel better, and for his overall knowledge. I don't regret going, for those aspects. However, I left with a deeper shame than I have felt in many, many years. I felt ashamed of being in pain, of reacting to the pain with tears, of having 'let myself go' as he suggested, of my insulin resistance being in a bad state as he pointed out. I felt really low, and for a few days after, I didn't know what to do with myself. It's been a few weeks since then, and I haven't recovered emotionally yet, but I think I'm starting to come out of it. The experience forced me to look into my relationship with my parents, my childhood, my beliefs about myself, my emotional flexibility, and so many other difficult things. Even as I write this, I'm not sure how to categorize what happened to me, but I have a feeling that wasn't supposed to happen. Maybe in a few months when I look back on this, I can edit it, but for now, I think that's the best I can do.
That said, while the session itself didn't make me feel better, Jeff and I started intermittent fasting, got a pull up bar per his suggestion, and as I said before, I started meditating. I hope to have a little more to say about these things in the coming months :)
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| Happy picture! One morning, Jeff surprised me with my favourite coffee and pastries! |
OKAY NOW LET ME INTERJECT WITH SOMETHING SO MUCH HAPPIER!!!
CANADA DAY!!!!!!!!!
This year, we had sunshine and blue skies, and we were at Jeff's parents' house and I brought a can of Canada Dry ginger ale and a couple of hazelnut Coffee Mate coffee creamers to celebrate!
Jeff's family were so unbelievably sweet: when they found out it was Canada Day, Doreen gave me a summer dress, and Louise gave me a sweatshirt as gifts to mark the occasion, and I don't think I've ever gotten a Canada Day present before and it was the cutest thing to happen to me on any Canada Day ever!
And then Martin poured us glasses of prosecco to celebrate, and briefly tolerated some Barenaked Ladies before freaking out and putting something else on, and that was it! It was a fabulous day.
My Something Caring for the month was something I wanted to do for someone who always has very thoughtful intentions towards me, and I don't want to go into detail, but I'm very happy with how it turned out. My other Something Caring actually happened randomly, on its own. I was walking through town one day, and it was very hot, and I decided I wanted to get a pizza on a patio somewhere. I found a nice looking restaurant just by Stephen's Green and ordered a margherita pizza and a pint of a Spanish beer, and it was such a lovely time. I can't remember the last time I went out to eat by myself, but it felt really indulgent and really, really naughty lol. Sometimes a Something Caring can be towards yourself!
Speaking of nice times, Jeff and I finally went out for our official "let's celebrate our engagement" dinner at a restaurant called Volpe Nera in Blackrock. The restaurant was Michelin-rated, and the food was good, but the thing I will remember most is just the way Blackrock looked. The flowers growing in the gardens of every house were different shades of pastels, the streets were laid out in the most perfect, cozy way, the sunset over the water was breathtaking, and the bridge to cross to our side of the tracks was lined with glass partitions. It was such a beautiful neighbourhood, I can't believe we hadn't gone there before! Here we are: Me, just before I spilled sauce on my dress, and Jeff, goobering all over his wine glass until you literally could no longer see through it.
Despite the pain, I feel so lucky to have had that little bit of summer heat..I've never felt 'hot' in Dublin, and this has been the most incredible month! So much so that we even bought ICE CREAM (MORE THAN ONCE), and....I found nitro pina coladas!
So that just about sums it up, and oh, my July Challenge has been to try to get through the pain so yep, challenge completed. On to August!
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